& Raymond Chandler, the master metaphor-maker of modern fiction, once had his famous detective Phillip Marlow explain that “I belonged in Idle Valley like a pearl onion on a banana split.”
In honor of Chandler, and in honor of highschool fiction writers who follow, sort of, in Chandler’s footsteps, Yr’s Truly presents:
The Top Ten 2014 Raymond Chandler Pearl Onion Awards
For, Like, Highschoolers Who, Like, At Least Try…
10. She was like a magnet: Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.”
9. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
8. She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.
7. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.
6. Their love burned with the fiery intensity of a urinary tract infection.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes before it throws up.
4. Joy fills her heart like a silent but deadly fart fills a room with no windows.
3.Her eyes were like the stars, not because they twinkle, but because they were so far apart.
2. Her eyes twinkled, like the moustache of a man with a cold.
And, the Number One Raymond Chandler Pearl Onion Award for, Like, Highschoolers Who, Like, At Least, Try…
1. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
& I’m, like, outta here.